Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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