Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the condom got lost in my hair
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
