We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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