You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
