There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
