she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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