an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
