I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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