do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
