broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
