Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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