So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
