At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
