Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
