Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
