he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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