Plan B is the new Plan A
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
