I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
