the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
