the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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