you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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