Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
