There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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