i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
