So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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