White coat. Heels.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
