you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
