my being single is dangerous.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
These tits shall not be calmed
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
