Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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