party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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