Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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