why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
