We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
