...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
