I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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