oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
