His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
