dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
