I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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