She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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