I wish my penis had an off switch
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Damn victory sex feels great
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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