My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
