just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
