Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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