Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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