the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
