That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
