You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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