The maid of honor just puked.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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