I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
