theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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