Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
