My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
