im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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