Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
