Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
