my shit smells like andre
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
